Well, this has been something that I've wanted to write about but was unsure how I would go about doing it. People have been wanting to know how the pregnancy has been going and for those who haven't heard, last week I had a miscarriage. I was 13 weeks pregnant, so I had to go in and have a D&C. Let me back up. This pregnancy has been a little different from the beginning. (I apologize for the wordy post, but this is for my own benefit and records, here!) :) Anyway, I took the pregnancy test mid-August. When it was positive we were obviously, so excited. I knew that we had conceived sometime late July and that based on my last period (at the end of June) I was somewhere around a month and half pregnant. I made my first appointment with the OB at the end of August and when I went in, they estimated me around 9 weeks pregnant and gave me a due date of April 2nd. They also scheduled me for the ultrasound for the down syndrome testing that they do between 11-13 weeks for the middle of September. I went in then, three weeks later, to be about 11 1/2 weeks pregnant or so. When they did the ultrasound, everything looked good, but the baby was only measuring 8 1/2 weeks. I had no idea why we were so off! But they didn't seem to think anything of it, so I didn't either. And gave me a new due date of April 21st. They somehow could never schedule my ultrasounds and appointments at the same time, so I went in at the end of September ( 2 weeks later) for my monthly appointment. We heard the baby's heartbeat on the little doppler machine and everything sounded good. I was about 10 1/2 weeks. My new appointment for the ultrasound was scheduled the beginning of October. I totally spaced the appointment! :) and they couldn't get me in for another week and a half. My new appointment was for Wed. the 19th of October. I showed up for the appointment at 9:15, what I thought was the time, and they told me my appointment had been at 8:15! Oops! :) But they had to get me in the next day, because they have to do it before 13 weeks and the next day I was going to be 13 weeks. So....that is how I ended up getting an Ultrasound on Thursday the 20th. I went in and had Taylor with me, I was actually surprised at how big the baby seemed for only being 13 weeks! I don't know why, it was just a lot bigger than I expected. She looked around and measured a few things. And I noticed right away that there was no heart beating, or blood pumping. I've had enough Ultrasounds to know that that you can usually see that. But I didn't know if maybe she hadn't turned on a button or something (I don't know exactly how those machines work!) :) She finally, after a few minutes looked at me and said, 'this might be a little shocking but I don't see a heartbeat!' My heart dropped and the tears immediately began to flow. It was just such a shock to hear! I called Ben and he came right over. They had the Dr. come in to talk to us about what happens next. The Dr. suggested I go to the hospital as soon as I wanted to to get a D&C procedure done. There were a lot of tears and questions, but I was so grateful that Ben was there, and it was really good to have Taylor there too, the little love of our lives right now, to remind us that there is a reason and a plan for everything. Almost immediately after the initial shock of it all, I felt so at peace and OK with everything. I never questioned why or was angry. And I only say that because I guess I am just so lucky to have been taught from so little that there is a plan, and Heavenly Fathers ways are higher than our ways, and when I needed that knowledge and peace the most, it was at the very core of me! The rest of the day is a blur, there was, of course, a lot of sadness. But a midst it all there has been so much peace and happiness in our home, it's been a blessing! I went in the next morning for the D&C. My wonderful friend Emily watched our kids all morning so Ben could be with me. I was so nervous, I had never been to the hospital before except to deliver Tucker & Taylor. I had never been put under before! So I was glad to have Ben there with me! But it all went well and smoothly! I literally fell asleep just as the doors to the operating room were opening and woke up 45 minutes later in the recovery room! It was heavenly! :) The whole process went so smoothly, it made it a lot easier to recover both physically and emotionally! So here I am a week later, and I am feeling so good! It has been almost crazy how good I feel about the whole situation. I have no doubt in my mind that everything is going to be ok! My OB Dr., Dr. Brown is wonderful! (Seriously, me and all my friends who go to him all joke that we are in love with him-he's in his late 50's- :)) He is amazing, he gave me some great words of encouragement when I met with him after the ultrasound. He told me that since I have had two healthy pregnancy's that this isn't something I should worry about, or feel guilty about. One in every four pregnancy's ends in miscarriage and it is something that just happens. And that most likely, after I give my body a few months to recover, when we try again, I will be able to have another healthy pregnancy. So that has been totally helping me get through this. If this had been my first pregnancy or if I had been having a hard time conceiving in the past, then maybe my attitude would be different, and it would have been a lot harder to handle. But I feel so blessed! This whole experience has made me even more grateful and in love with the two babies we do have! It has made me realize (once again) what a miracle life is, and bring life into this world is! And I am OK! I have two healthy, beautiful, smart children whom I adore, and even if that is all we ever have, I would be complete! I feel so complete and at ease right now! I think that the hardest part has been having to tell people, they are usually unsure or awkward about how to make me feel better, which is totally normal and understandable, I would do the same thing. But I just try and tell people that we are OK, our family is strong, our faith is strong, and we know that there is a plan, and we are at peace with everything. I have moments of sadness still, but they are few and far between. I am mostly overcome with joy and love for the life I have and the beautiful children and family I have. And thank you so much to everyone for your thoughts and prayers, I am sure 100% that they have helped! :) We are so blessed to have so many wonderful family and friends in our lives! THANK YOU!
These two have definitely been my saving grace this past week:
{how can you not just love these squishy faces???} :)
